Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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