So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
