fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
