I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
