you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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