The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
you inspire me to be a worse person
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
