i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
