Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
