I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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