don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
