U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
