got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
