dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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