Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
