Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
