I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
