I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
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She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
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according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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