I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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