nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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