Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize