I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
