I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
