that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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