Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
