she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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