She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
