I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
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