Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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