Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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