Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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