Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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