Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
