ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I checked into jail on foursquare
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
