Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
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I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
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My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize