I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
