woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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