So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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