remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Randomize
