Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
