if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
