True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
