but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
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