Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
