I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
