Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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