My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
