I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Randomize
