I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
two words: eviction party
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
