I seem to have left my pride at pride
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
She needs sedatives and a leash
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
