I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
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We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
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I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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