I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
