peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
