I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
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