Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
