dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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