I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
